What is a limerence affair? Limerence is a state of mind. It's where someone is completely…
Recently I was asked how to heal a relationship after a fight? What’s the best way to make up following a major argument?
I pondered over the answers for some time before deciding that there needs to be two sections to the response.
People fight all the time, some more than others. In fact, many believe a relationship is not strong unless people fight.
I disagree strongly, but that’s a discussion for another time.
When pinpointing the best ways on how to heal a relationship up after a fight, then the answer needs to be two-fold. Later, I’ll run through the top five things you need to do.
Consider this first; if you’re arguing constantly then have you thought about the underlying issue that is setting off these fights? Is there something deeper at play here than merely the surface fight?
What’s The Real Reason You’re Fighting?
Barry had been thinking about his relationship with Maria for some time. He was having crazy thoughts about leaving her and being single again.
In fact, single life was exciting him and while he felt guilty about it, he knew something had to give soon in his relationship.
He felt disrespected. As a man, respect was very important to him and it gave him a sense of being appreciated even though he knew he was far from perfect.
Maria’s constant criticism of him not only behind closed doors, but around friends as well had reached a point where Barry was treading the fine line between love and hate.
Recently, Maria took Barry on a house preview with her. She was a realtor and was previewing a house for a client who wanted to make an offer.
From the moment they entered the front door Maria started…don’t touch anything, walk here not there, stay close to me…on and on and on.
Barry felt like a five-year-old out shopping with his mom.
The crunch came when Maria asked his opinion of the kitchen layout in proportion to the living room and Barry, a qualified cabinet maker gave it. Instead of appreciating his input Maria scoffed…
“That’s ridiculous. What would you know?”
Barry was hurt. He went outside and by the time they got home, the fight was well underway.
Needless to say, you could have cut the air with a knife and the silence lasted several days.
How To Heal A Relationship After A Fight Begins With Talk
Both Barry and Maria are at fault here. Barry because he won’t talk to Maria about his issue with being criticized constantly and Maria for not being astute enough to realize that her words cut deeply.
They loved each other but resentment was starting to pervade Barry’s thoughts and without any communication between them, things were just going to go from bad to worse.
Hence Barry’s thoughts of being single again. It was his way of making himself feel better. It was his escape.
Barry and Maria needed to sit down and talk openly.
They needed to dig down into their relationship together and pinpoint the issues that were making their fights mask over what the real problem was.
Once they’ve done this, they then needed to have an adult conversation about it. If this needs to be achieved with a third party in attendance, all the better.
For Barry the underlying issue was lack of respect.
For Maria, it was simply her appearance, more precisely, her weight. Maria had put on about twenty pounds since they moved in together two years previously.
At least by understanding each other’s deep-seated issue they could then move forward and come up with a game plan to tackle it.
That’s a much better idea than sniping at each other and then going silent for several days to let the anger simmer and resentment fester.
They were well on their way to improving their situation.
Healing a Relationship After A Fight Starts Now
So, the top five ways on how to heal a relationship after a fight? Here is my shortlist…
Call A Time Out
Walk away after a fight for however long it takes you to cool down. You’re not thinking clearly right now and for however long it takes…a few minutes, an hour, two hours, do it.
“What, it wasn’t my fault!”
I don’t care. If you really want to make up then initiate the contact.
Let them know you regret what you said and you are sincerely sorry.
Two words to take notice of – but and sincere. Never use the word “but” in and apology and be sincere.
Don’t drag the apology on for too long as you may slip in the word “but”. Simply ask for forgiveness. Something like…”Will you forgive me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m really sorry”.
In the rare case they say “no, I want to stew over this a little longer” just walk away.
As you ask for forgiveness, remember, when you are the one receiving the apology be aware that forgiving them is just as important. Avoid letting your ego get in the way and letting them stew for too long.
Remember, it takes courage to apologize and most people recognize this. That’s why most sincere apologies are accepted immediately.
This is important and missing from a lot of advice columns. Once you are back in each other’s arms let your partner know what set you off. Ask them to do the same.
Then, without hesitation, avoid any temptation to play the “but I think I was right” card or defend yourself. Instead accept their feelings and move on.
What Place Does Sex Have In Healing A Relationship After A Fight?
That’s not to say that any clarification for why you reacted like you did shouldn’t come up.
Agree with your partner that when you are both devoid of ill feelings towards each other, you will sit down and have that conversation.
I left sex out of the equation because I think it can mask over any real problems in a relationship.
Yes, there’s a place for it in the making up scenario but it’s really only a temporary solution. Sex is more like a reward for two people after they’ve done the hard work of making up.
We’re trying to get to the bottom of the real problem in this post. Apologize, sincerity and forgiveness. Vital components in how to heal a relationship after a fight.